


Clear Moon

by Caraidean



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: ....somewhat redeemable rhea, F/F, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route Spoilers, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route Spoilers, Fix Fic, M/M, Male Byleth - Freeform, No actual Byleth/Marianne romance until post skip, PTSD, Redeemable Edelgard, The Most Self Indulgent Thing I've Written In Years, Voluntary Time Loop, and that includes the tanith/sephiran content, byleth is having a Bad Time this many iterations in, even if she's not in his class that's still pretty EEEEEEEEEEH, gay edelgard (gaydelgard), just spoilers for everything okay, there's still tension tho bc Yes, up until I start taking a hatchet to things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 10:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20329963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caraidean/pseuds/Caraidean
Summary: There's only so many times you can fail to save everybody before your mind starts to give out under the weight of it all. After Byleth sets himself back to the first time he met the three Heirs once again, his fear that he can't stop the future turning to tragedy after a chance encounter with a member of the house he usually neglected. Black Eagles focused.





	Clear Moon

**Author's Note:**

> There's nothing I hate more than having to rewrite out game dialogue, so the scenes early on here might feel a little jarring and disjointed as I just brush over sequences that are almost entirely exactly the same. Sorry about that.

Prologue: Over Again

Whenever Byleth saw the woman that would become his best friend for the first time, it hurt. How many times was it he'd been through this exchange, six? Seven? He'd lost count, either intentionally or not.

He wouldn't need the Pulse this time. When the bandit charged at her he stepped to the right, barely needing to raise his sword to strike the man down. After a brief moment's thought he followed through this time, a clean strike severing the man's head.

Maybe not needing to go to Zanado could be the change this time. He didn't know. Nothing else had worked.

"Thank you." Edelgard said, but the words passed through his ears without incident. He numbly grabbed the broken shaft of her ax from where it always fell and passed it to her, trying not to make eye contact as he walked past. The last try had ended when he'd killed her with his own hands. How were you supposed to talk to someone like that?

_'Are you there?'_

Nothing. Byleth's hand shifted to his chest, finding no heartbeat, as expected. A glance in a puddle confirmed his hair was back to normal as well, but his mind...he hadn't heard from Sothis beyond the occasional whisper deep in his soul since the first try. It always hurt to realize she wasn't there. The good-natured bickering between the house leaders failed to bring him out of his reverie, Claude's banter and the defensive positions Edelgard and Dimitri took too familiar and tinted with the irony of what was to come for him to enjoy their squabbling.

_Maybe I should try the Golden Deer. I haven't picked them yet._

But why should he? Unlike the other two, Claude seemed to have an uncanny ability to escape each version of Byleth's reality relatively unscathed, his classmates too for the most part. Lysithea may have started to bleed into the mercenary's mind as one of 'his' students, but the rest were almost complete strangers to him - even Leonie. Maybe he should try the Deer.

_Can you betray your best friend like that?_

"I can't make that choice myself." Byleth deflected when he realized the three nobles staring at him questioningly, gathering the reigns of his horse in hand as his father returned from talking to Alois.

_Remember that time he hated you?_

"You'll need to convince my father." He said, his face still blank and smooth. Claude chuckled, a shake of his head being enough to send him out of the conversation for the time being. Edelgard and Dimitri seemed...respectful, if perhaps more reluctant to let the subject drop.

_Will you fail to save him this time as well? Mortals are so predictable._  
_ Shut up. You're not Sothis. Stop sounding like her._

The ride back to the monastery passed in a blink of an eye for him, all sights he'd grown far too familiar with. There was that familiar searing surge of hate when he looked up and saw Rhea waiting for them, a hand moving to instinctively cover his heart when she looked away. He may well have listened to her story and gained some sympathy for her, but he knew if he had to choose between the archbishop and Edelgard ever again he would never repeat that mistake. Besides. If her immortality felt anything like his jumping back in desperate attempts to try again and again, killing her might almost pass as a favor. How different was he at this point? Rhea was trying to save her mother. He was trying to save his friends.

_Yeah. But you're refusing to settle for just having your friends alive. You want everyone to live. _  
_ Not everyone. I'm going to slit Thales' throat and watch him bleed out on the floor. Then I'll set fire to the body to Make Sure he's dead. _  
_ Ooh. Ruthless. That's new._

"You're not Sothis." He muttered under his breath, eyes squeezed shut for a moment. When he opened them Claude looked at him quizically for a moment, head cocked to the side and a brief tremor of fear shook him.

"Yo. You alright?"

"I'm fine. Just a headache." The lie came off his tongue easily, Byleth's impassive face - once his true identity, now a mask he could slip into so easily he didn't even notice half the time - making him certain it would fool Claude. Almost certain.

He'd never taught the Golden Deer, but as Claude shrugged and looked away he was starting to wonder if that was a mistake. He always had seemed smarter and more well-composed than the other two, when he sided with the Eagles as normal or with the Lions, he always kept it together. Maybe that was what went wrong, if he paired up with someone more composed he could act as a mediator...

_"Without you, my teacher, I-"_

Not after how last time had played out. He could never. He dismounted his horse and walked away, feet unsteady as memory after memory assaulted him. He paused to rest with his back against the cold stone wall of the monastery, slowly taking a deep breath through his nose as a dozen or more images flashed through his mind.

He could see him still. Was it - was he kneeling before him in submission, or was he crouching due to his wounds in front of Edelgard, snarling defiance? The glimpse of Dimitri and Edelgard having a brief exchange now was enough to send him spiraling back into memory lane again now that it had all started, and he could have sworn he could see the people the two students would become in front of him.

Horns and eye-patch and blood. Blood that was on his hands, and then Edelgard's hands and then back to him, Dimitri's head rolling just because he didn't truly understand what his stepsister was fighting for, gods he still couldn't wrap his head around that why would you betray your own family in such a manner Edelgard what kind of depths would your ambition lead you to without me and no I know that answer and now Garreg Mach is burning in his eyes-

It's not Garreg Mach anymore. Byleth let out a groan, moving away from the wall and staring down the halls as smoke and flames licked at his vision. Not this again. He'd been present at three seperate sackings of Firdiad, and now he had to be here for another...whose death would he live again this time? A horse nearby whinnied, and that set off his next memory, a pegasus swooping from the sky as the mercenary let out a despairing grown. Gods, not this one. Please.

"Stand down." Byleth growled desperately, stumbling out of the entrance hall and down towards the docks, trying to steady his breath. "Stand down stand down damn it all Ingrid don't make me **do this**-"

He felt the Sword of the Creator wrap around her neck, the almost-living weapon twitching in his hands nearly greedily as it suddenly tightened and pulled her off her pegasus with a **snap**. He'd tried to just incapacitate her, he had, he'd been so sick of fighting his students and damn it he'd managed to talk Lysithea and Claude down eventually why wouldn't she **LISTEN** why did the woman he had helped Dorothea save from an undoubtedly abusive marriage have to insist on fighting him he wanted them to stop dying and-

"Breathe. Breathe." Byleth sucked in air almost greedily as he leaned against the wall, forehead touching the cool stone. "It's alright. It's alright. That won't happen this time none of that will-"

He recognized the warning signs of this memory. The empty throne room. The sounds of battle behind him. Enbarr burning through the windows. A broken ax at his feet. The Sword of the Creator in his hands, not extended like a whip this time but straight and sharp as he slowly gripped it with his other hand as well-

_"I wanted to walk with y-"_

"NO!"

His hand slammed against the stone wall and he felt something crack, but at least that was enough to tug him out of that memory. Something that he could never...ever...see again. Never. He'll keep her safe. He will never be put in a position where he'd need to kill his best friend again, that much he could swear. NEVER.

When Rhea later asked him if he needed to talk to the students, he knew his answer. "The Black Eagles." He croaked, surprised at how hoarse his voice was. The barely restrained screams from his memories must have done more than expected.

He was asked why he was so fascinated with the future Emperor, and smiled a sick, fake smile. "I guess saving someone's life tends to make a connection."

Now...he just had to figure out how to save everyone else. For certain, this time. No more sacrifices.

* * *

He should have prepared for longer before walking into the Black Eagles' homeroom. The sights and smells overwhelmed him like it always did, forcing the mercenary to pause and take a deep breath before addressing the others. Hopefully it would look more like nerves. The conversation had been the same every single time he'd had it. The doubts, the introductions to the other students, Petra stumbling over her word and Hubert's slight sneering. Turning his head through the room he stared slightly at each of them, memories seeming to overlap their faces.

Caspar's frustration after he lost another game with his fellow soldiers. Hubert finally starting to admit trust, even if those words were delivered in a backhanded way. Petra's laughter at something that the others had said, finally understanding the joke a few moments behind the rest but with none of them teasing her for it. Bernadetta escaping her room and wandering around the monastery properly.

Petra leaving the house for the Golden Deer after Byleth had told her to stay true to her own ideals after an argument with Edelgard. Edelgard's heartbroken face in the tomb as he stepped backwards and raised his sword to strike her down. Bernadetta's broken body bent over the ballista at Gronder Fields. Dorothea—

"Uh, Professor? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Miss von Hresvelg." Byleth said, suddenly aware that he'd zoned out more than intended. Dorothea did a double take, her hair wrapped around one finger as he addressed her like that.

"I'm von Hresvelg." Edelgard said, a little kinder than Byleth would have expected her to be. Ah, yes, but it had only been a day since he'd saved her life hadn't it? He'd forgotten how much sweeter and more optimistic she had been in the early days. Before she'd been forced to start playing the role of the Flame Emperor again as well. "Dorothea's last name is Arnault."

"Of course. My apologies." Byleth said after a few moments, chuckling to himself. He hadn't been wrong to call her that, just...a good seven years early, he supposed. If that part of the future played out in that way after all. He could never tell what would change from time to time. "Forgive me for being tired. It's been something of a long day, as I'm sure Miss von Hresvelg," He put a little more emphasis on the name this time, managing to pull a chuckle from Dorothea and a scoff from Ferdinand. Ah, yes, he'd not grown past that yet had he. "has told you all already. I look forward to teaching you formally, but that is perhaps left for another day. Dismissed."

He shouldn't have been surprised when Hubert stayed.

"I believe you were dismissed." He said casually, walking over to his desk. Hubert gave him a silent smirk, still standing there with his eyes boring into the back of Byleth's skull. It wasn't as scary as he thought — for a start, Byleth had seen far worse than an upset Hubert at this point. For another, he knew that Hubert wasn't quite as confrontational and evil as he liked to let on. Otherwise...

"And yet you don't seem surprised." Hubert said in his quiet, smooth voice. Byleth cautiously raised an eyebrow as he sat at the desk, trying not to look suspicious. But by the way that Hubert was staring at him, he felt that he was failing. Again.

"I don't suppose you've noticed, but everything about you seems to scream 'suspicious'. My line of work means that you tend to pay attention to people like that, and to expect them not to follow commands." He drawled, trying to remember how the last few times he'd had this conversation went. It was two years ago in his mind at the earliest, with the first...goddess above. Seven? Eight?

"Hm. Quite." Hubert's head tilted a little as a sardonic smile crossed his face. "And yet you were so quick to join us, I hear. Hardly even talking to the other house leaders. Should we be flattered?"

"That's your own decision to make, I suppose." Byleth shrugged. Hubert's eyes bored into his head, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Even during school the man still had the glare he'd make famous during the war, didn't he?

"Mm. Or perhaps you just have an unhealthy interest in the Lady Edelgard." Hubert's voice was acidic, and Byleth's eyes widened a little. That was...a new one. He was fairly certain. Now he just had to figure out what angle Hubert was taking, after all, it was impossible for him to know about her two Crests obviously...

"Perhaps you intend to abuse your position in that way, hm? Some amorous crush?"

**Oh**. 

For a moment, Byleth wondered if he should tell Hubert that Edelgard's interests ran in a certain direction so far from his own that she may as well live in another nation.

"She's interesting, but I'd never dream of that. It'd be an abuse of power, like you said." He tried not to laugh, and for the most part he succeeded even if his words were tinted with amusement. Hubert's sardonic smile twitched a little, in approval or irritation he couldn't say.

"Ah. It's for power, then."

"Yes, the unenviable power of being stuck in a monastery teaching nobles how to not die. Once the year is over I likely won't see Miss von Hresvelg ever again." Byleth's hands twitched under the desk as he leaned back, trying to fight back the threatened flood of returning memories. "She's the reason why I picked the house, yes, but there's nothing further there to find. Claude and Dimitri both rubbed me the wrong way for some reason-"

"-_and yet_ you look at the Lady Edelgard like she's a ghost."

There was a brief moment of silence as Byleth stared at Hubert, the man staring back patiently and smirking slightly. After what felt like an eternity Byleth stood up abruptly, storming past him with hands shoved into his pockets so he wouldn't see the shaking.

"You're dismissed, Hubert. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Of course, Professor." He sounded far too satisfied for his liking, and took him far too much strength to resist driving his fist into his face.

You like each other eventually. Maybe.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. It was always hard on the first day coming back, sometimes the stretch lasting weeks or months before he could finally settle back into the rut. The first time around he could spend his time talking to Sothis until they slept, but ever since Solon...

So Byleth decided to try something, and went to pray in the chapel.

"I miss you every day." He said quietly under his breath as he sat on the pew. The cold room was empty this time of night, not a member of the clergy in attendance and no students either lest they be caught breaking curfew. "You sacrificed so much to help me but I can't make anything work. It's like each time I try everything gets harder. Both sides of time..."

His voice cracked a little. "What's the point of seeing both sides of time like you said I would if they always lead to death and destruction? I just don't want any more of my friends to die."

He felt tears threatening to form in his eyes as he stood up abruptly, steel-toed boot kicking against the base of the pew in front of him and breaking the wood. He glanced down at it for a second before deciding that he could reasonably pin it on one of his students if anyone even noticed in the first place, and paced impatiently in front of the altar with his head bowed.

"I wish I could hear you." He said, careful in his choice of words as he let his emotion start to crack. At least if anyone overheard him he wouldn't need to explain anything. "You could help me with the memories and the fear. Every single day I think I hear you whisper something to me and yet not once has that been true-"

He'd cast his hand to the side at that, just a nervous movement filled with an adrenaline-driven desire to do something, **anything **with his arms, but it was enough to make his audience let out a sharp gasp. 

"I'm sorry!"

He paused and turned, staring at the woman who'd managed to sneak up on him without him even noticing. With her pale skin and sunken eyes she almost looked like a ghost, and that would almost certainly have been the case if it wasn't for the moonlight coming in the great windows that cast away any shadow that she could have hid in - at least to Byleth's trained eyes.

"Miss von Edmund. You're breaking curfew." He said after a brief stare, folding his hands behind his back and taking a steadying, calming breath. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry. I'll just-"

"You're not in trouble, Miss von Edmund. Just as long as you tell me why you're here." He said patiently. Marianne froze, fingers toying with each other as she stared studiously at the floor before finally answering him in a quiet voice. He knew he should have taught the Golden Deer at least once during the loops. He barely knew the girl.

"I came to pray." Her voice was barely a whisper, but he found himself drawn to it. Perhaps it was just the desire for a connection that wouldn't be corrupted by visions of their future. "I...couldn't sleep. It helps me."

"I couldn't sleep either. I've never had the chance to try praying, so I suppose I'm testing to see if it'll help me." Byleth glanced over at the altar again, a scowl flickering over his face for the briefest of moments before it smoothed out again. "What are you praying for?"

There was a long, strained quiet that made Byleth afraid he'd overstepped some boundary before Marianne answered, her gaze managing to raise from the floor and settle somewhere below his face. "Peace. For my classmates. And...myself, in another way."

"It's something worth praying for." Byleth agreed quietly. Marianne seemed to hesitate, torn between leaving the chapel and asking him a question. "...you can go, Miss von Edmund."

"Why couldn't you sleep?" She asked instead. Byleth felt his respect for the clearly shy woman raise a little, and he turned to face her properly. When her eyes didn't move away from him, he nodded slightly.

"Bad memories. They keep catching up to me no matter what I do to try and fix them." His lips quirked into a humorless smile as he glanced back at the altar again. "So I decided to try praying. This might sound tasteless, but the way I had the Goddess described to me here...reminded me of an old friend of mine. So I thought maybe she could help."

"I see." Marianne seemed more curious than anything, a hand resting over her chest as her eyes twitched from him to the door. He raised an eyebrow, expecting her to finally flee before her next question. "...ah, professor...I'm sorry. Nevermind."

"It's fine. Ask." Byleth sat back down on the pew, and accepting the silent offer Marianne sat across from him and stared at his shoes. Well, it was something.

"What kind of memories?"

"Dead friends." He said after a moment, feeling his hands starting to tremble. "...people that died because of choices that I'd made."

There was a long silence and he looked up, finding Marianne staring at him with wide eyes. He hadn't been sure what he'd see there, probably shock or horror - not the shameful understanding he saw there. Or, when he frowned and concentrated, an almost complete absence of...life. Like she wasn't even really there.

"Being a mercenary must have been hard." She said after a few seconds, and the moment was over. Byleth frowned, before nodding reluctantly and letting out a sigh. That was the lie he'd need to stick to.

"It was. You should get back to your dorm, Miss von Edmund. The other professors might not be as lenient as me."

"...thank you." Marianne mumbled as she stood, her hands clasped in front of her as she took a shaky breath and bowed her head a little. "Professor...may I come here again another night?"

"Heh." Byleth hadn't expected to chuckle. "...just don't get caught by anyone who isn't me, Marianne. Do whatever you need to help yourself sleep."

Marianne let out a slight, nonverbal noise of agreement before turning on a dime and exiting. Confused, Byleth turned his head back to the altar and leaned back with a sigh.

That hadn't happened before.

Maybe things could work out this time. But he'd need a plan. He wasn't sure his heart could take needing to start over from the start again.

...

_Why did you call her Marianne?_

**Author's Note:**

> For the curious, I'm not specifying exactly what went down in any of Byleth's previous trips through the game (several attempts at Black Eagles and Blue Lions, with one run at the Church) -- since it's both bleeding together into one homogeneous mass of trauma and depression in his own mind anyway, and so that I don't get so obsessed with maintaining my own continuity that the fic just sputters out and dies horribly. It's less stuff for me to keep track of. 
> 
> The only detail I'm sticking with is that he got almost all the way through the Church route in the last iteration, but after being forced to kill Edelgard he triggered the loop early rather than deal with THAT. There's absolutely no romantic tension there, but as his first route was also Black Eagles she's essentially the first friend he ever made outside of his father and he's Incredibly Attached as a result.


End file.
